Do you ever get that feeling that nothing has any direction..

I sometimes feel as if nothing is going anywhere, as if all I work for and all I try to achieve ammounts to nothing. It’s an underlying feeling of emptiness as if life itself isn’t real.

Sometimes I wonder why we are here, think about it, if we weren’t here it wouldn’t matter. People say ‘look what humans have achieved though’ the only problem is, if human kind weren’t around all these great things wouldn’t matter, there’d be no-one to admire, marvel and appreciate them. If we weren’t around we would not need to know what was real and what was not, there would be no question of a great man in the sky, there would be no need for knowledge and no thirst for creation, no longer would art, music or culture exsist. People say these are the things that make life, this is true. However that being said those things make up our lives and my point is without humans none of that stuff would matter because we would not be around to see it.

There are so many things wrong with humanity as it is, so many errors and mistakes. Flaws in the minds of individual people or corruption by a man with power he was not worthy of. Indescribable people who can’t feel remorse or guilt for actions such as murder and rape, the victims left broken and paranoid.

Sometimes life seems so wonderful, but there is always a question lingering amongst the rest of my thoughts, always floating by, ruining any fond memory I have in my life. I know I sound crazy, I know it’s quite possible that I am, but you see as much as I want to think happy thoughts, that question is always in my mind.

Why are we here?

I’m no good. (originally wrote this in august, but still stands)

I promise you, i am no good.

I just can’t stand feeling this alone, i hate being left to deal with everything, feeling like it’s always my problem and my fault, feeling like everything is out of reach, and feeling that no matter how hard i try, it’s not good enough, i have low expectations of everyone and everything, because i just can’t trust them, and as soon as i open up a little, i get hurt. So instead, i close up, shut down. I don’t let people in. But still, they push me.

I can’t stand people caring though, all i want is to be loved, so why don’t i feel it. Why can’t i believe them? All i need is for people to say; ‘sophie, i care’  But i still don’t get it, i don’t feel like they should care, i resent them too much, i resent myself too much to even think that there is a slight possibility that they do. Why? I am the only one causing this pain for myself.. why do i do it?

I pretend, i have this whole ‘i don’t give a fuck’ thing going on, this mask that makes me, not only a bitch, but invincible. But it doesn’t, most night i lie awake thinking about all the things i should’ve done differently that day. Things i should or shouldn’t have said.. People I shouldn’t have hurt.. But then i remember, they don’t care about me, so they don’t care what i say to them.

I am so so scared of people loving me, that i mess it up, I am so afraid to let them properly in, that i just push them away, i draw attention to things that don’t mean anything, just so they believe the rest of it is better. I just wish that people would listen, but when they do, I don’t think they care..

I just can’t believe you. Don’t you fucking get it? I Will NEVER believe you, i will NEVER ‘get over this’ I will NEVER EVER think about you the same way..
because i can’t.

I told you.. I’m no good.

“I guess that it’s you I want to hold on to, but you’re holding onto someone else.”

So tired of not being good enough for you, I am tired of being used, Tired of waiting for you to love me, when i know you never will. I am tired, I am really really tired.